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You Know You're Ghetto When...
1. THERE'S REUSABLE BACON GREASE IN A MAXWELL HOUSE CAN IN THE CENTER OF THE BURNERS ON YOUR STOVE.
2. TURNING UP THE HEAT MEANS TURNING ON ANOTHER BURNER ON THE STOVE.
3. THE BATTERIES IN YOUR REMOTE CONTROL ARE HELD IN PLACE WITH A PIECE OF TAPE.
4. YOU HAVE PROJECT HEAT. (NOTE: THIS MEANS THAT YOU HAVE TO OPEN YOUR WINDOW IN THE WINTER.)
5. SOMETHING SMELLS SPOILED IN THE REFRIGERATOR, AND ALL YOU DO IS CHANGE THE BOX OF ARM & HAMMER BAKING SODA.
6. YOUR DRINKING GLASSES USED TO BE JELLY JARS.
7. YOUR FURNITURE IS COVERED IN PLASTIC.
8. YOU RUN TO GET POTS AS SOON AS IT RAINS.
9. THE ROACHES IN YOUR HOUSE ONLY COME OUT WHEN COMPANY COMES.
10. YOU STILL REFER TO YOUR STEREO AS THE HI-FI.
11. YOU REFER TO YOUR DRESSER AS "THE BUREAU."
12. YOU REFER TO THE REFRIGERATOR AS AN ICEBOX.
13. THE BACK OF YOUR TOILET SEAT IS ALWAYS OFF, AND YOU KNOW HOW TO MANUALLY FLUSH IT.
14. YOU HAVE MORE THAN TEN USES FOR VASELINE, AND ONE OF THEM IS SHOE POLISH.
15. YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE CLEAN UNLESS THERE IS VISIBLE BABY POWDER ON YOUR NECK AND CHEST, AND YOU AIN'T EVEN NO BABY.
16. THE HEELS OF YOUR FEET LOOK LIKE YOU'VE BEEN KICKING FLOUR.
17. YOUR COLLAR IS STILL UP.
18. YOU WEAR ANY OF THE FOLLOWING: BRUTE, HAI KARATE, JEAN NATE, OLD SPICE, CHLOE, ENGLISH LEATHER, CHARLIE, FABERGE'
19. YOU USE TUSSY.
20. YOU USE BLACK EYE LINER TO LINE YOUR LIPS.
21. YOUR LIPSTICK MATCHES YOUR CLOTHES.
22. YOU HAVE ROLLS IN THE BACK OF YOUR NECK.
23. YOU WEAR YOUR SHOWER CAP EVERYWHERE BUT IN THE SHOWER.
24. YOU DRY-CLEAN YOUR WASHABLE CLOTHING (E.G., JEANS, T-SHIRTS, BASEBALL JERSEY, ETC.).
25. YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO THE DENTIST.
26. YOU CLEAN YOUR TEETH WITH A MATCHBOOK OR BUSINESS CARD.
27. YOU CLEAN YOUR EARS WITH A BOBBY PIN, KEY, OR INK PEN CAP.
28. YOU WEAR YOUR CLOTHES WITH A TAG ON THEM.
29. THE ONLY ART YOU OWN IS ON YOUR FINGERNAILS.
30. YOU GO TO THE BEAUTY SHOP FOR A PRESS AND CURL.
31. YOU'VE EVER WAITED SEVERAL HOURS IN A SALON TO GET YOUR HAIR DONE AND YOU HAD AN APPOINTMENT.
32. YOUR DAUGHTER IS UNDER SIXTEEN AND HAS EXTENSIONS.
33. YOU PERM YOUR THREE-YEAR-OLD'S HAIR.
34. YOU HAVE TO PUT A TOWEL ON YOUR FURNITURE SO THAT YOUR CURL ACTIVATOR WON'T STAIN IT.
35. YOU REFER TO THE HAIR AT THE NAPE OF YOUR NECK AS YOUR "KITCHEN."
36. YOU STILL THINK THERE'S SUCH A THING AS "GOOD" OR "BAD" HAIR. (NOTE: IT'S NOT THE HAIR, IT'S THE BRAIN UNDER IT)
37. YOUR BABY HAS A BOW OR BARRETTE ON HER ONE STRAND OF HAIR.
38. YOU NEVER LEARNED TO SWIM BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T GET YOUR HAIR WET.
39. YOUR CHILD THINKS HIS REAL NAME IS LITTLE MAN.
40. YOU CHANGED YOUR FIRST NAME 'CAUSE YOU SAID IT WAS THE WHITE MAN'S, BUT KEPT YOUR LAST NAME YOUR REAL SLAVE NAME.
41. YOU HAVE TROUBLE SPELLING YOUR CHILDREN'S NAMES, AND YOU NAMED THEM.
42. YOU WEIGH MORE THAN THREE HUNDRED POUNDS, BUT YOU CLAIM THAT YOU CAN'T EAT EVERYBODY ELSE'S FOOD.
43. YOU'VE EVER DROPPED ANYTHING AND KISSED IT UP TO GOD BEFORE YOU ATE IT.
44. YOU PAGE YOURSELF.
45. YOU'RE LATE FOR EVERYTHING, AND YOU TRY TO ACT LIKE IT'S A CULTURAL EXPRESSION.
46. YOUR MOTHER CLEANED FLOORS TO EDUCATE YOU, AND NOW YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE BETTER THAN HER.
47. YOU WEAR FLIP-FLOPS OUTSIDE THE HOUSE.
48. YOU'RE KNOWN FOR ROLLING ANY OF THE FOLLOWING: YOUR NECK, YOUR EYES, YOUR R'S, OR YOUR WRIST.
49. YOU'VE EVER REFERRED TO THE WIND AS THE HAWK.
50. YOU ADD "ED" OR "T" TO THE END OF A WORD THAT'S ALREADY IN THE PAST TENSE (E.G.,
TOOKED, LIGHT-SKINNEDED, KILT, RUINT).
51. THE PERSON YOU'RE SPEAKING TO DOESN'T SPEAK ANY ENGLISH AND YOU JUST TALK LOUDER.
52. YOU TALK LOUD ON THE PHONE BECAUSE IT'S LONG DISTANCE.
53. YOU'VE EVER REFERRED TO ANYTHING AS ONE OF THE FOLLOWING: DO-HICKEY, THING-A-MA-JIG, WHOSEYWHATS, WHATCHAMACALLIT.
YOU USE BUT MISPRONOUNCE THESE WORDS:
54. AMBALAMPS-AMBULANCE
55. SKRIMPS OR STRIMPS-SHIRIMP (NOTE: THERE IS NO "S" ON THE END).
56. PACIFIC- SPECIFIC
57. SKREET-STREET
58. AXE-ASK
59. LOOK DEAD-LOOKED
60. MEMBER- REMEMBER(E.G., YA'LL MEMBER THE TIME...?)
61. SPISKETTIS-SPAGHETTI
62. ZINC-SINK
63. ALBLUMS-WHAT WE USED BEFORE CD'S
64. SHOWLIZ-THAT SURE IS
65. WAYMENT-WAIT A MINUTE
66. NEM-CONTRACTION FOR AND THEM (E.G., I CAN'T WAIT 'TIL MARQUITA NEM GET HERE.)
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67. YOU PUT FINGERNAIL POLISH ON PANTYHOSE TO KEEP A RUN FROM GETTING WORSE.
68. YOU BUY YOUR STOCKINGS AT THE SAME PLACE YOU DO YOUR GROCERY SHOPPING.
69. THE BEST PAIR OF SHOES YOU OWN ARE SNEAKERS.
70. YOU WEAR COLORED CONTACTS. PERIOD.
71. YOU WEAR A WATCH THAT YOU KNOW DOESN'T WORK.
72. YOU HAVE MORE SHOES THAN YOU HAVE BOOKS.
73. YOU THINK OF FATBACK AS A SOURCE OF NUTRITION. (NOTE: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS LOW-FAT FATBACK.)
74. YOU USE SALT BEFORE YOU TASTE YOUR FOOD.
75. YOU USE CATSUP ON ANYTHING OTHER THAN A HOT DOG, FRENCH FRIES, OR HAMBURGERS.
76. YOU GOT ANGRY WHEN THE GOVERNMENT STOPPED THE CHEESE PROGRAM.
77. EVERY TIME YOU HAVE MACARONI AND CHEESE, YOU FEEL A NEED TO COMMENT ON HOW NOTHING MAKES IT BETTER THAN "THE GOBMENT CHEESE."
78. YOU KNOW HOW TO MELT GOVERNMENT CHEESE.
79. YOU'RE ALWAYS EATING AT OTHER PEOPLE'S HOUSES, BUT YOU NEVER BRING ANYTHING.
80. YOU EVER THOUGHT THAT COFFEE WOULD MAKE YOU BLACK.
81. YOU PUT YOUR SALTED PEANUTS IN THE BOTTOM OF YOUR COCA-COLA.
82. YOU EAT COUGH DROPS LIKE THEY'RE CANDY.
83. YOU EAT OATMEAL BECAUSE IT STICKS TO YOUR RIBS ON A COLD DAY.
84. YOU POP OR CRACK YOUR GUM.
85. YOU'RE AT CHURCH AND PEOPLE CAN TELL WHAT YOU'LL BE HAVING FOR DINNER FROM THE SMELL OF YOUR COAT.
86. YOU EAT CHITTERLINGS, PERIOD
87. YOU EAT THESE GHETTO SNACKS: PORK RINDS, CHITTERLINGS, MOONPIES WITH COKE, PISTACHIOS, SUNFLOWER SEEDS, PUMPKIN SEEDS, LICORICE, SALT 'N VINEGAR CHIPS, NOW 'N LATERS, JUICE-FILLED WAX, PIXIE STIX, TWISTERS, BOM POPS, PUSH-UPS, MARY JANES, LEMON HEADS, BOSTON BAKED BEANS, MR. SOFTEE, REDHOTS, FREEZPOPS, CHICK O STIX, SNOWBALLS, JIFFY POPS, CHEEZ WHIZ, POP-TARTS, CANDY STUCK TO PAPER, BLOWPOPS, CANDY NECKLACES, JAWBREAKERS, SUGAR DADDY, SUGAR MAMA, SUGARBABIES.
88. YOU DRINK THESE GHETTO BEVERAGES: YOO-HOO, MALT LIQUOR, TAHITIAN TREAT, SUGAR
WATER, FANTA ORANGE, RED KOOL- AID, RED DOG, ANYTHING RED, .99 A GALLON ANYTHING, TAB, FRESCA, WATER ICE, STRAWBERRY SODA, PINEAPPLE SODA, CREAM SODA.
89. THE REAR WINDOW OF YOUR CAR IS FILLED WITH STUFFED ANIMALS.
90. YOU HAVE A CRACK ACROSS YOUR FRONT WINDSHIELD AND YOU NEVER BOTHERTO GET IT FIXED.
91. YOUR CAR COST MORE THAN YOUR HOUSE.
92. YOU DRIVE AROUND ON THE DONUT, MONTHS AFTER THE FLAT HAPPENED.
93. ANY OF THE FOLLOWING IS YOUR FAVORITE CAR: CADDY, GREMLIN, HORNET, LINCOLN, PACER, PINTO.
94. YOU CAN LEARN THE LATEST DANCES FROM YOUR CHURCH CHOIR.
95. THE OFFERING PLATE AT YOUR CHURCH GOES AROUND FIVE TIMES.
96. THE ANNOUNCEMENTS AT YOUR CHURCH ARE LONGER THAN THE SERMON.
97. EITHER THE BRIDE OR GROOM SINGS A SOLO TO EACH OTHER, OR BOTH.
98. NOBODY IN THE WEDDING CAN REALLY FIT IN HER DRESS, INCLUDING THE BRIDE.
99. THE RECEPTION MEAL WAS COOKED BY THE BRIDE'S MOTHER.
100. THERE ARE MORE GUEST AT THE RECEPTION THAN THERE WERE AT THE WEDDING.
101. THERE ARE MORE PEOPLE IN THE WEDDING THAN THERE ARE IN THE AUDIENCE.
102. EVERYBODY'S EXES WERE INVITED, BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL REMARRIED TO SOMEBODY ELSE IN THE FAMILY.
103. YOUR WEDDING DRESS IS ALSO A MATERNITY DRESS.
104. YOUR WEDDING MARCH IS ACTUALLY A MARCH.
105. YOU SING GHETTO WEDDING SONGS: "ALWAYS AND FOREVER," "I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU," "YOU AND I," "WIND BENEATH MY WINGS," "HERE AND NOW," "RIBBON IN THE SKY," "FOR ALWAYS."
106. THE DECEASED AND HIS WIDOW ARE WEARING MATCHING OUTFITS.
107. SOMEONE TRIES TO CLIMB IN THE COFFIN.
108. MORE THAN ONE PERSON THINKS THAT HE IS THE CURRENT SPOUSE OF THE DECEASED.
109. THE MAJORITY OF THE FLOWERS AT THE BURIAL SITE ARE PLASTIC, AND/OR TAKEN BACK THE FOLLOWING DAY.
110. THE SERVICE LASTS FOR HALF A DAY.
111. POLAROID SHOTS ARE BEING TAKEN OF THE DECEASED.
112. NO ONE KNEW THE DECEASED BY HIS REAL NAME. ("WHO'S RAVON WILLIAMS III, I THOUGHT HIS NAME WAS BOOKIE.")
113. MOST OF THE MOURNERS COMMENT THAT THE DECEASED DIDN'T LOOK THAT GOOD WHEN HE WAS ALIVE.
114. YOU EVER SAID THAT THE DECEASED HAS "SLIPPED AWAY."
115. YOU GO OUT TO A NIGHTCLUB, BUT YOU STAY OUTSIDE IN FRONT OF THE CLUB.
116. YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS GET YOUR PICTURE TAKEN IN FRONT OF THE WICKER FAN CHAIR.
117. YOU EVER TOOK A BUS TO A NIGHTCLUB.
118. YOU ASK PERFECT STRANGERS TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH YOU, THEN YOU TELL ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS THAT THIS IS SOMEONE YOU ACTUALLY DATED.
119. THE ONLY SONG OF THE NIGHT THAT YOU DANCE TO IS THE ELECTRIC SLIDE.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GHETTO IF YOU HEAR OR SAY ANY OF THE FOLLOWING PHRASES:
120. WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?
121. RIGHT ABOUT NOW WE'RE GONNA TAKE A PAUSE FOR THE CAUSE.
122. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
123. IS YOU MARRIED?
124. CAN I GET THOSE 7 DIGITS?
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125. YOU KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO "FLOAT ON."
126. YOU HAVE ALL OF KENNY G.'S CDS, BUT NONE OF GERALD ALBRIGHT'S.
127. YOU'VE BEEN TO MORE THAN ONE PLAY WITH THE WORD MAMMA IN THE TITLE.
128. YOU'VE WON A GRAMMY FOR YOUR BITCH AND HO RAP RECORD, AND YOU START YOU ACCEPTANCE SPEECH WITH HE FOLLOWING PHRASE: "FIRST OF ALL,I WANT TO THANK GOD, WHO IS THE HEAD OF MY LIFE."
129. ANY OF THE FOLLOWING IS YOUR FAVORITE GROUP: CLIMAX, THE BROTHERS JOHNSON, THE SILVERS, JODECI, READY FOR THE WORLD, TINA MARIE, TARVARIS, COMMODORES FIFTH DIMENSION, JACKSONS or THE MICHAEL JACKSON 5/NOT THE JACKSON 5,
130. YOUR CHILDREN'S ONLY FORM OF ENTERTAINMENT IS SINGING IN THE WINDOW FAN.
131. YOUR CHILD DROPS HIS PACIFIER, AND YOU SANITIZE IT BY SUCKING ON IT.
132. YOU CHEW YOUR BABY'S FOOD AND THEN FEED IT TO THEM. (YOU AIN'T NO BIRD. STOP ACTING LIKE ONE.)
133. YOU EVER SENT YOUR CHILDREN TO PICK OUT THEIR OWN SWITCH.
134. YOU'VE EVER BEEN BEATEN WITH AN EXTENSION CORD.
135. YOUR MOTHER SOUNDED LIKE A RAP ARTIST WHEN SHE WAS BEATING YOU.
136. YOUR SON IS NOT EVEN FIVE YEARS OLD, BUT HE HAS HIS EARS PIERCED.
137. YOUR CHILDREN DON'T KNOW THE WORDS TO "PUNCHINELLA" OR MISS MARY MACK," BUT THEY KNOW THE LYRICS TO ALL OF SNOOP DOGG'S RECORDS.
138. YOUR CHILDREN GO TO SCHOOL SMELLING LIKE HOT BACON GREASE.
139. YOU PAY MORE FOR YOUR CHILD'S SNEAKERS THAN YOU DO FOR THEIR CHILDCARE.
140. YOU PINCH YOU NEWBORN'S NOSE TO MAKE IT THIN.
141. EVERY CHILD IN THE FAMILY HAS A DIFFERENT LAST NAME.
(NOTE: THIS IS NOT A CRITICISM OF SINGLE MOTHERS. IT IS, HOWEVER, A CRITICISM OF THE FACT THAT SHE DOESN'T THINK HER NAME IS BETTER THAN THATOF THE FATHER WHO HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS OWN CHILD.)
142. YOU USE ABORTION AS A FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL.
143. YOU EVER PLAYED DODGE BALL.
144. YOU EVER RAN A RACE BAREFOOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET AT APPROXIMATELY ELEVEN AT NIGHT.
145. YOU EVER PLAYED KICK THE CAN.
146. YOU EVER PLAYED KNUCKLES.
147. YOUR BASKETBALL HOOP HAS A RIM BUT NO NET.
148. YOU THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE A GYMNAST BECAUSE YOU COULD DO A HIGH FLIP ON A
PISSY MATTRESS THAT SOMEBODY THREW OUT.
149. YOU'VE EVER PLAYED RED-LIGHT-GREEN-LIGHT.
150. YOU'VE EVER CHEATED IN A GAME OF MOTHER MAY I.
